Fatherhood - From the Cradle to the Grave

I recently became a father again and much as it was a traumatic experience (my wife had to have 3 pints of blood, 2 of plasma and 2 of clotting agent and my new son (Eli) was delivered by forceps with the cord wrapped round his neck) it was also a magical experience and I do not regret any of it. However I do have an issue I would like to discuss and I expect to receive grief off a certain part of the population regarding this issue.

Where is the support to new fathers?

Let me put some meat on the bones so you can understand where I’m coming from. For a proportion of new fathers out there this is a frightening experience. They have no understanding of how this shall change their lives, what to expect, how they need to change their own expectations and also how to support their partner and incorporate this new life into theirs.

So when a new life is planned (or not) to arrive in your life what level of support is given. Well for one there’s the check ups - mums to be are shuffled around the healthcare system, given tests, stuck with needles, bombarded with leaflets, statistics and options regarding the imminent birth. There are decisions to make, appointments to keep and access to trained medical experts giving sound clinical advice as well as their own opinions and experience. Now this sounds like lots of support doesn’t it? I now refer you back to the statement above.

What support is given to new fathers?

My personal experience is………nothing. You are an after thought. An add on that had something to do with this magical creature growing within the mother, but not really all that important in the grand scheme of things. Now before I get heckled from on high by every mother out their let me make something very clear. What (nearly) every woman on this planet can do with regards the creation of life is truly amazing! I cannot nurture, protect and grow a life within me. I am not belittling what this experience is like for the woman nor am I saying anything negative about what they achieve. What I am saying is where is the support for the father? And I am being very specific about this being a male issue.

I have been ignored during the decision making discussions with healthcare professionals, talked down to and patronised. During pregnancy I was offered no support, no discussion groups, one to one time, literature or given any useful coping tools for the eventual arrival.

When the big day came I was included, mainly due to my close relationship with my wife - we rely on each other and this was evident to the hospital staff. Afterwards there were visits, tests and checks on mental well being…..for my wife and son. For me…..nothing.

I had to figure out my own feelings, deal with my own demons and generally reorder my brain.

So what am I saying here? That if the effort was put in up front; support for the father, discussion groups, shared experiences, literature and learning. Then afterwards follow up sessions, education and most importantly support when everything is falling to bits around you then maybe more families would stay together, maybe more fathers would be closer to their children and feel connected to them. Maybe mental and physical violence in families would decrease and maybe, just maybe the world would be a better place.

I have a close bond with my children and my wife, and everyday I see the world through the eyes of my children and you know what?...........Its a pretty damn cool place to be.